An amusing anecdote? Maybe. This is a copy of a "letter to the editor" I sent to the Chicago Tribune last winter. Needless to say, it wasn't published.
Dear Editor,
The City of Chicago, in their infinite wisdom, scheduled to replace the sidewalk in front of my building in January. Three weeks ago they sent out a crew of "Einsteins". This truckload of geniuses demolished our vaulted sidewalk and left exposed to the elements our water and gas pipes. When the temperature dropped below zero on Wednesday of last week, the water in the pipes froze. Thursday, after every tenant in my building called, the city sent out a guy with a torch to thaw out the pipes. He determined that the city "should not have exposed the water pipes in January to the elements". His torch was the size of a gas barbecue and tank. Needless to say it did little to thaw the pipes. He said, "We'll send out the "big" truck tomorrow. Don't worry, you'll have water tomorrow."
My neighbors must be psychic, because all six of them fled to hotels. Friday the city sent out a crew with the "big" truck. This crew of geniuses got out the "big" torch. The foreman of the crew determined that the city "should not have exposed the water pipes in January". His "big" torch did little in the way to thaw the pipes, but it looked impressive. It looked a little like a flamethrower. After that they got out the big guns! They ran an electric current through the pipes to thaw them out. Unfortunately, after running electric current through the pipes for two hours, the city water crew determined that by exposing the pipes to the elements, the water had frozen all the way back to the water main, under the street! The foreman told me "we'll have to send a crew out tomorrow." He said "Don't worry, you'll have water tomorrow".
Saturday the city sent out three trucks from the water department and a front-end loader. They dug up the street and thawed out the water pipe all the way back to the water main. They replaced the exposed pipe and replaced the vault around the pipes with a new modern type of cylinder. Allegedly they will not freeze again. Unfortunately, the foreman of the crew said, "you got water comin' up to the valve. You're frozen somewhere between the valve (under the sidewalk) and the building. That's not our problem. But don't worry, you'll have water tomorrow!"
Sunday my landlord came and dug up the pipes between the valve (under the sidewalk) and the building. He got out his "torch", which was no bigger than the gas barbecue and tank. However, this time it thawed out the pipes. It took all day. Unfortunately, he determined that the pipes were frozen under the building and he would have to dig up the floor of the garden apartment. He would have to have the city truck come out and run electric current through the pipe. He said "don't worry, you'll have water tomorrow".
At this point I was fuming, about to explode, but I couldn't let myself show it. The city water department had been rapid in their response, every day. My landlord had been rapid in his response. It's not their fault they are not very bright. To make matters worse, my girlfriend's apartment building next door, thanks to their inept Mexican slumlord, has no gas. I was in dire need of a bath. I would do anything for a bath! Consequently, I schlepped 30 gallons of ice cold water up three flights of stairs, and proceeded to heat it up on my stove. It only took three hours to heat it to room temperature. Never the less, it felt like heaven! I sort of felt like a cowboy having his Saturday night bath. I now have a new found respect for the pioneers of this country and rural peoples of the world that have to carry water from their well to take a bath. Also, I do not understand why Europeans do not bathe more often when water is available to them. Unfortunately, every dish, cup or plate in my apartment was filthy dirty. My floor was filthy dirty. My clothes were filthy dirty. And my linens were filthy dirty. I hate filthy dirty sheets! And to make matters even worse, I pinched a nerve in my back schlepping water around! Arrrrrggggh! I am still pissed about that. It will take two weeks for that to wear off.
Happiness is so fleeting.
Monday, my landlord dug up the floor to the garden apartment in my building. He set it up so that the city could hook up their wires and run an electric current through the pipes to thaw them out. When I returned home from work I discovered that the water department was there with their "big" torch truck. The foreman of the crew was standing by the vault that surrounded the water pipes. There was water spraying out of the valve. He looked up at me and said, "what's the matter? You got water!?" I explained to Mr. "Einstein" that the pipes under the building were frozen and that my landlord wanted him to hook up the electric current to the pipes under the building. "Oh." he said. I don't have a key to my neighbor's garden apartment, but I do have a key to the lower level back laundry room. That is where the water pipe enters the building.
I let the water department into the laundry room and they proceeded to hook up electric wires to that pipe. Suddenly, I had an overwhelming feeling that I should call my landlord. That I should let him know that the water department was there and that they were going to run an electric current through the pipes. I paged my landlord. Right about the moment the guy on the truck was about to flip the switch to run electric current through the pipes, my landlord called. I explained what they were about to do. "Noooooooo!" he exclaimed. "There is no ground. They will burn the building down!" "@*#%!" I said. I just handed the phone to the lead Einstein. After a brief conversation, he explained that they had to get into the garden apartment to hook up the electric current. They would have to come back tomorrow. "But", he said "don't worry, you'll have water tomorrow."
By this time I had decided that God was punishing me for some unknown reason and that I would never have water again. For the past ten days I had been suffering from the flu. There was no way I was going to get any rest on filthy sheets or drink plenty of fluids, without water! Everyday I had told someone at work that I was supposed to have water that day. And everyday I was let down. I decided that I would tell everyone at work that I would not have water that day and that I was perfectly healthy.
It worked! When I got home from work yesterday I had running water! It had only been six days. I have never taken so long a hot showerin my life. And I took another very long shower today. Clean sheets feel like heaven! I will never take running water for granted again! I have learned two things from this fiasco. The first is that I would make a lousy European! The second is that I have a new life's motto. "Agua manana!" Every day is a new day and every day brings new hope of "Agua Manana!"
Sincerely,
Les Jones
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The home of the Bears, Soldier Field on Chicago's lakefront, lies along the trail many young men take. Come September there will be a sea of Bear fans tailgating in this neighborhood.
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It is Memorial Day looking north from the south side of Chicago. It is hazy hot and humid as summer attempts to move in. And while the beach sand is hot to the touch, Lake Michigan refuses to let you forget that it is not summer yet.
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